Last week was incredibly tiring and dull. It was the first full-time working week after Christmas break and it nearly killed me. Also the weather has been very London-like, pouring like crazy and made my walls produce mould like mad. It seems like bleaching walls became my second job these days.
The worst was that I had to spend almost two whole days in three year olds class. They are just too small, stumbling, staring to who knows where, peeing where they shouldn’t or not making it on time or making it on time but somehow still managing to pee on their clothes or on my shoes. That class is hard, all kids have strong characters, no discipline or patience yet they are very interesting and funny. I mean there are kids I’ll remember forever. Gerard who always speaks in his own language truly believing that we all understand him, Ines and her murderous stares... However there’s a boy I just can’t stand. He’s a pain for my nerves and patience and I’m afraid that when he grows up he’ll become either serial killer, rapist or he will just blow the whole school up. It’s really awful to see a child not expressing any affection or emotions; he doesn’t even know how to hug people. That little fucker kicked me once. Sometimes kids hit him or push him and I find it exceedingly hard to stop them. Oops! Well he may also become next Buddha and save the world. Who knows?
Lately I’ve been thinking how I waste my time and youth doing what I don’t like. Moreover I get paid insanely little money for that. I don’t have any family or obligations. There’s nothing that is holding me here. So why am I staying? Is it really just because I don’t have any savings and I can’t find any appealing job online? I don’t know maybe I’m used to this place now...Habit is a bitch. I like coffee breaks with my colleagues and the bread they make here tastes like actual bread and the sea.....The idea of staying somewhere just because I know the place and it’s comfortable to be where it’s familiar, terrifies me to death. Luckily I’ve been reading an amazing book by Rachel Kushner called the Flamethrowers, it’s full of quotes that make me shiver and cry and sleep better. There’s one quote that I particularly love: ‘You don’t have to immediately become an artist. You have the luxury of time. You’re young. Young people are doing something even when they are doing nothing. A young woman is a conduit. All she has to do is exist.’
I received a letter by Seidi and it made me cry. No matter how much I try not to think about my friends and London too much, I can’t ignore the heartbreaking fact that I miss them insanely. I’m so lucky having them in my life!
I didn’t have time to go on the internet last week so I tried to catch up with news and articles today though all I found was Labiaplasty surgery (sent by Seidi with very explicit pictures of various kinds of clits) and plastic surgeries apps for teenagers. I mean really? World is just fucked up...all this perfection. Why are people so obsessed about it? Do they really want porn industry telling them what’s beautiful and hot? Despite all this negativity there’s a brand new season and first episode of Girls! Yaaay! That really made my week and of course Susan’s birthday party on Friday. Susan and her husband Jon brought their lovely daughters with them and it was so nice to see what a great and sweet family they are. I enormously enjoyed having a proper dinner and seeing some of my colleagues outside the work. I only wish Foster’s had more than one vegetarian dish! Believe it or not some people don’t like meat!