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Saturday, January 18, 2014

Tami’s crisis, fuck my job, world goes mad, The Flamethrowers and amazing birthday dinner

Last week was incredibly tiring and dull. It was the first full-time working week after Christmas break and it nearly killed me. Also the weather has been very London-like, pouring like crazy and made my walls produce mould like mad. It seems like bleaching walls became my second job these days.
The worst was that I had to spend almost two whole days in three year olds class. They are just too small, stumbling, staring to who knows where, peeing where they shouldn’t or not making it on time or making it on time but somehow still managing to pee on their clothes or on my shoes. That class is hard, all kids have strong characters, no discipline or patience yet they are very interesting and funny. I mean there are kids I’ll remember forever. Gerard who always speaks in his own language truly believing that we all understand him, Ines and her murderous stares...  However there’s a boy I just can’t stand. He’s a pain for my nerves and patience and I’m afraid that when he grows up he’ll become either serial killer, rapist or he will just blow the whole school up. It’s really awful to see a child not expressing any affection or emotions; he doesn’t even know how to hug people. That little fucker kicked me once. Sometimes kids hit him or push him and I find it exceedingly hard to stop them. Oops! Well he may also become next Buddha and save the world. Who knows?
Lately I’ve been thinking how I waste my time and youth doing what I don’t like. Moreover I get paid insanely little money for that. I don’t have any family or obligations. There’s nothing that is holding me here. So why am I staying? Is it really just because I don’t have any savings and I can’t find any appealing job online? I don’t know maybe I’m used to this place now...Habit is a bitch. I like coffee breaks with my colleagues and the bread they make here tastes like actual bread and the sea.....The idea of staying somewhere just because I know the place and it’s comfortable to be where it’s familiar, terrifies me to death. Luckily I’ve been reading an amazing book by Rachel Kushner called the Flamethrowers, it’s full of quotes that make me shiver and cry and sleep better. There’s one quote that I particularly love: ‘You don’t have to immediately become an artist. You have the luxury of time. You’re young. Young people are doing something even when they are doing nothing. A young woman is a conduit. All she has to do is exist.’
I received a letter by Seidi and it made me cry. No matter how much I try not to think about my friends and London too much, I can’t ignore the heartbreaking fact that I miss them insanely. I’m so lucky having them in my life!

I didn’t have time to go on the internet last week so I tried to catch up with news and articles today though all I found was Labiaplasty surgery (sent by Seidi with very explicit pictures of various kinds of clits) and plastic surgeries apps for teenagers. I mean really? World is just fucked up...all this perfection. Why are people so obsessed about it? Do they really want porn industry telling them what’s beautiful and hot? Despite all this negativity there’s a brand new season and first episode of Girls! Yaaay! That really made my week and of course Susan’s birthday party on Friday. Susan and her husband Jon brought their lovely daughters with them and it was so nice to see what a great and sweet family they are.  I enormously enjoyed having a proper dinner and seeing some of my colleagues outside the work. I only wish Foster’s had more than one vegetarian dish! Believe it or not some people don’t like meat!

Saturday, January 11, 2014


Wednesday was the first day at work. Surprisingly the kids were very sweet (they are always sweet after holidays and then they are not), lunch was alright not soaked with oil and the time flew like a lost red balloon in the purple sky. Towards the end of the day I got a message from a family, where I worked in December to earn extra money, saying that they don’t want me to work there anymore. Thank God! The job was a nightmare, after eight hours at school another two hours felt impossible. Eventually I found myself making excuses about not going there and subconsciously (or consciously) I chose my entire doctor’s appointments for the same time when I was supposed to work. So the kids are lovely, food yummy and I got sacked! I was exhilarated. When I got home I found a letter from my friend Max and a postcard from my brother in the mail box. I love getting mail. It’s one of these things that make my soul dance and I find myself screaming out of joy excited what’s inside the envelope. Equally I love writing letter, I can express myself in a widely different way and even my chaotic and insane thoughts seem to be more beautifully and chaotically organized as the pen in my hand caresses the paper.
My flatmate Mia asked me to go with her to the emergency because she had a rib pain. So we went. Spain emergencies and hospitals are so amazing. For some reason most of the doctors here are really good looking. I was getting so hot just by looking at them. As if this wasn’t enough two hot policemen turned up (there’s something about the uniform) and brought a handcuffed man who was unusually attractive too. At this point I decided to stay there as long as possible. I didn’t have to be a family member and I could just go with Mia to the consultation room. The doctor lied Mia down to examine her belly. I haven’t really noticed before but Mia’s belly looked well how to say it.....PREGNANT. The doctor too said well we have to do the pregnancy test and the expression on his face was pretty clearly saying: Love, you are pregnant. We had to wait outside for the results. Mia was properly stressed and I tried my best convincing her that she wasn’t pregnant. She wasn’t, she had an ovarian cyst with a size of baby’s head. Again Spanish hospitals are insanely awesome. Within an hour they did her a X ray, ultrasound, put her on the drip (I could watch and now I know how to drip someone) and to her new hospital room with gorgeous view. Mia’s gonna be alright. She just needs to spend some time in the hospital. She loves looking through the window at her neighbours especially at three young men who apparently adore their dog so much that they constantly take pictures of him. It’s really nice to see everyone from work visiting her, bringing her sweets, crisps, books and DVDs. Mia is very optimistic although desperate to move freely again and craves for cigarette. The first thing she asked the nurse was if she could smoke in the room. The nurse laughed and said that theoretically she could smoke in the bathroom but she didn’t recommend it.
Friday night I spent with my friends at our favourite local having red wine and somehow talking about Italian and Russian mob, Bathory and all sorts of STD’s. It was lovely night although I didn’t really remember that much. Back home I lied in my bed then abruptly woke up and threw up like mad. For some reason I chose to turn towards the wall and vomit there after what seemed a lifetime I somehow managed to crawl to the laundry room(this is the second time I crawled there) and put my bedding with pillow inside. In the morning I actually saw the whole damage, the floor and wall was covered with what looked like purple porridge. I bleached and bleached but for some inexplicable reason my super strong and resistant vomit won’t come off. So I have to paint my room. Four glasses of wine only four!!! I mean really?!